


Divide by Zero

by tweetthebirdy



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Fluff, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Pre-Chimera Ant Arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-17
Updated: 2015-09-17
Packaged: 2018-04-21 06:17:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4818263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tweetthebirdy/pseuds/tweetthebirdy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua counts the days he's together with Gon for because he knows their relationship can't last forever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Divide by Zero

_Killua stands with his father in front of Heavens Arena._ _Killua has just been told he is not allowed to come home until he reaches the 200th floor of the battle arena, no matter how many years it might take. "Remember," his father tells him. "Don't take anything for granted. Nothing good lasts forever."_

_Killua nods and understands. He is six years old._

When Killua is with Gon, he counts.

Being with Gon is the happiest he's ever felt - the happiest he will ever feel, Killua knows - so he counts each and every day he is with his best friend because he understands, deep down, anything that makes him happy cannot last. Killua remembers an afternoon when Illumi takes him out and buys him armloads of sweets for his fourth birthday. That night, Illumi electrocutes him until he vomits. Illumi loves him, but the love is like his mother's, only there when he is obedient.

Killua wants to be clear that he is no bleeding heart saint who quibbles over murder. He feels no sadness or guilt or deep seated trauma, because when Killua kills, he does so with the care and precision expected of him. His brothers might take pleasure in the feel of a beating heart clutched in the palm of their hands or the way blood, warm and slick, covers their fingers and seeps into their skin, but Killua does not. There is no joy in murder, so Killua finds his joy, his happiness, his love, in the shape of a boy too wild, too reckless, too naive to live in this world who will take his hands, half drenched in sin, and say, _thank you for being my friend_.

Killua counts every day he is with Gon without fail. One night, as they set up camp in a forest, Gon wonders out loud how long they've been together, and Killua answers, without any hesitation, "Four hundred and twenty one days."

Gon looks over at him from the fire he was stroking to life, mouth open. "Killua, you're amazing. Did you - do you count the days we're together for?"

"Of course not," Killua snaps, because admitting that he counted would be far too humiliating. "It's not hard. I just took today's date and the date of the Hunter exam and worked my way backwards."

Gon nods solemnly and seems to believe him.

The night is a beautiful one, with a sea of stars above like lanterns floating on water. There are wild beasts in the trees around them, serenading each other in the dark, and a light wind blows, just enough that the two of them sit closer than usual for warmth. Killua is biased, he knows, because it could be raining, it could be storming, it could be a hurricane that tears across the land with vicious ferocity, but as long as Gon is here beside him, the night will always be beautiful.

The fire Gon tends to blazes to life, and Gon shifts so his arm touches Killua's. "Liar," his best friend says, grinning. "I know you're not good enough at math to calculate the answer that fast. Killua, do you count the days?"

"Oh, shut up." Killua shoves him. Gon shoves him back. Then they are in a shoving war which quickly deteriorates, and they are tousling, fighting, laughing, and it isn't long until Killua has Gon in a headlock with the other boy slapping the ground, shouting, _I give, I give, I give!_

If Killua thinks the distraction is enough he is sadly mistaken when, barely a minute later, Gon presses up against him, eyes wide and curious, and asks, "But _Killua_ , why do you count?"

Every single truth he could say - because one day we won't be together, because one day you'll leave me, because I have to know how long I'm allowed to be happy for - is a truth he _can't_ say, not to Gon. Killua wants to lie because it's easier that way, but Gon can see through his lies just as well as he can see through Gon's, so the point is moot. Somehow, even without words, Gon understands.

"You don't need to count," Gon tells him, "because it's hard, I think, to have to count to infinity."

Killua makes an irritated noise at the back of his throat and runs a hand through his hair. "Are you saying we'll live forever?"

Gon laughs, loud and bright, and says, "That's silly. Nobody lives forever."

He stares at Gon who stares back, and Killua does not know what to make of this particular brand of Gon logic. The night air around them grows colder, so Killua is grateful for the fire Gon built which crackles with heat and light.

"Ne, Killua." Gon places his hand on Killua's. It is far warmer than the fire is. "We don't need to live forever to be together forever, right?"

There is no need for their fire, Killua realizes with a jolt, because the warmth from Gon's hand spreads up his arm and throughout his body, and even without the firelight, the moonlight, the starlight, even without being trained to see in the darkness, with eyes wide open or shut, Killua can see Gon. Killua can always see Gon.

"Idiot," Killua says, and places as much bite into it as he can. His face is flushed, he knows. There are a hundred prepared responses he should say - stop saying embarrassing stuff like that, who wants to be stuck with you forever anyways, oh sure you say that now but wait until you meet a girl - but the words are lodged in his throat and it takes all he has to just meet Gon's eyes.

Gon squeezes his hand and smiles.

Killua remembers to breathe, remembers to smile, to love, to _live_ , and forgets to count.


End file.
